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Eight Months
Yesterday was eight months since Karen died. 
Hours and day drag. Weeks and Months fly.
~~DISCUSSION~~
Everyone needs a goal
Pole Dancing Training. 24 hard core muscle and flex training.
This is a display of pure strength, flexibility, and grace.
Everyone needs a goal. 
~~DISCUSSION~~
"...And the silence of the dead..."
Coming home to this empty silent house, it is no longer home, is now always bring to mind the song “Still In Saigon” by The Charlie Daniels Band:
…All the sounds of long ago
Will be forever in my head
Mingled with the wounded cries
And the silence of the dead…
Karen's soul filled this place. I could 'feel' if she was in it or not. I never told her that.
Now it is just empty, as am I.
~~DISCUSSION~~
It hurts to see Garth looking for 'Mommy'
If Garth and I have been away from the house for more than a couple of hours when I bring him in with me, he runs to his food bowl in the kitchen, what Karen would have filled for him, then he runs to the place in the house where he would have seen Karen alive last.
While I have no way to know, I imagine Karen was holding on to Garth until she no longer could.
Makes the empty ache in the gut hurt more. Typing this made the tears start again.
~~DISCUSSION~~
Risk of death highest following surgery in afternoons, at weekends, and in February
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140531213542.htm
Summary:
On weekends, in the afternoons and in February are the times when the risk of death following surgery is the highest, research demonstrates - ESA (European Society of Anaesthesiology).
~~DISCUSSION~~
Federal pain research database launched
http://www.nih.gov/news/health/may2014/ninds-27.htm#http://www.kpaddock.com
“The Interagency Pain Research Portfolio (IPRP), a database that provides information about pain research and training activities supported by the federal government, has been launched by six federal agencies.
Pain is a symptom of many disorders; chronic pain can present as a disease in of itself. The economic cost of pain is estimated to be hundreds of billions of dollars annually in lost wages and productivity…”
~~DISCUSSION~~
To much "Stuff".
Karen kept telling me I have “to much stuff”.
She proved it with her death. Everything she owned fit on a large table when I gathered it for her family to go through.
Today was the http://www.breezeshooters.net/ Breezeshooters Hamfest (think flea market for Nerds). I had intended to take everything I owned there to sell. Failed miserably at that goal. Still I did take a van full of “stuff”. Sold or gave way 50% of what I took. 50% of what I brought back I can give to the Humane Thrift Store that supports the local animal shelter. Not sure what to do with some of the rest. Some is already in the trash.
As I packed up everything to bring back home, the depression, guilt and empty ache missing Karen got really bad (just typing this line made the tears start again). By the time I got back home it all had relented a bit, back to what is becoming 'normal' at this stage of grief I guess?
~~DISCUSSION~~
I want a "Do Over".
There are several days in my life that I'd like a “do over” for.
Do I got back to a few days before Karen's suicide to prevent it?
Do I got back 24 years to prevent her car accident in the first place, so that she did not suffer for all of the years?
Do I got back to the post office where I let a lovely looking young lady go before me, where there was a very long line at Christmas time. She hung around by the door clearly wanting me to talk to her and I was too shy at the time, something I've overcome with the passing years. I would have never meet Karen at all.
Do I go back to high school and ask the girl there that I liked, that I was to afraid to even talk with due to my shyness?
Do I go back to the first big decision of my life when I was seven, and my parents gave me a choice between Karate Lessons or an Organ with music lessons. I choose the music lessons, as being a Nerd, I was attracted to all the blinking lights and buttons of the organ.
If we could pull at the threads of the tapestry of our lives how much of it will unravel? Do we want it to?
~~DISCUSSION~~
FDA requires label changes to warn of rare but serious neurologic problems after epidural corticosteroid injections for pain
http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/ucm394280.htm
“Safety Announcement
[04-23-2014] The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning that injection of corticosteroids into the epidural space of the spine may result in rare but serious adverse events, including loss of vision, stroke, paralysis, and death. The injections are given to treat neck and back pain, and radiating pain in the arms and legs. We are requiring the addition of a Warning to the drug labels of injectable corticosteroids to describe these risks. Patients should discuss the benefits and risks of epidural corticosteroid injections with their health care professionals, along with the benefits and risks associated with other possible treatments.
Injectable corticosteroids are commonly used to reduce swelling or inflammation. Injecting corticosteroids into the epidural space of the spine has been a widespread practice for many decades; however, the effectiveness and safety of the drugs for this use have not been established, and FDA has not approved corticosteroids for such use. We started investigating this safety issue when we became aware of medical professionals’ concerns about epidural corticosteroid injections and the risk of serious neurologic adverse events.1 This concern prompted us to review cases in the FDA Adverse Event Reporting System (FAERS) database and in the medical literature (see Data Summary).2-16
To raise awareness of the risks of epidural corticosteroid injections in the medical community, FDA’s Safe Use Initiative convened a panel of experts, including pain management experts to help define the techniques for such injections which would reduce preventable harm. The expert panel’s recommendations will be released when they are finalized.
As part of FDA’s ongoing effort to investigate this issue, we plan to convene an Advisory Committee meeting of external experts in late 2014 to discuss the benefits and risks of epidural corticosteroid injections and to determine if further FDA actions are needed.
Injectable corticosteroids include methylprednisolone, hydrocortisone, triamcinolone, betamethasone, and dexamethasone. This safety issue is unrelated to the contamination of compounded corticosteroid injection products reported in 2012.”
~~DISCUSSION~~
Empty Ache
Next week it will be eight months since Karen died.
I still have this empty painful ache in my gut that will not go away.
One would not think that loneliness could hurt so much.
~~DISCUSSION~~